lullaby

i know that in the end the last should come first but here i am tangled up in the dirt with the tears running through my hair like little rivers and everyone is staring at me as i shiver because i am pretending that this hard old ground is the same thing as my half-empty bed and i close my eyes as i lock my fingers around my head and try to rub out all the years that i spent wishing that you were here in my bed of earth too and it was never meant to be a grave but a cradle to share and i did everything i could to convince you that you belonged there and i don't know if it was love if only one of us cared but nobody knows how many lullabies i sang as the cries i heard pour from your mouth and your eyes rang out like gunshots in the night and maybe it was the way that i prayed over you holding your body by mine for the times that you weren't a lover but a child and i tried to draw out your pain with my hands but i guess i failed because you were the one that stood when i fell and you left me lying there contented at last with my name on your lips as the one who had plagued you so you opened your mouth and let it fly out and if it ever comes to mind again you'll only push it away yet remember before you go my son that whatever you gained you gained from my love