a lack of color

Everything that I used to do, to be, I now go through without feeling. The drugs, the drinks, the sex. Even the music. Go to work. Go home. Sleep. And everything I see, everything I do, I look upon with a gray sadness and know to myself, no, I do not love you. My dearest friends, my family, my life...no, I do not love you...I do not love you...I do not love you...

I look at my life and I pity myself. You drunk, you drug-addled whore. You brokenhearted wretch. You miserable fool. And for what, for what? What did I do to cause my life to be so meaningless? So lacking in anything resembling love or joy that its only worth is being worthless? Love is happiness, love is beauty, love is the most magnificent of the illusions. But pain is the truth. And I...I seem to exist solely for the purpose of drawing in and breathing out the truth. I am so unhappy, and will forever be this way, because I insist upon living and demanding and drawing out the truth. No, I do not love you. I do not love you. I do not love you. The only truth that there is.

And so I sit here and I pull my necklace and I pull my hair and I bite my fingers and I scratch my hands and I cut my arms. If you rub scrub salt over blood it bubbles a little bit. Did you know that? Did you know that you can pull five hairs at a time out of your head and won't feel any pain? Did you know that you can gnaw the skin off your fingers without feeling anything? When I was little I used to take needles and jab them through the thick-skinned parts of my hands to scare my friends. It doesn't hurt. But everything else does.

All of the questions I have ever asked have been answered, and answered truthfully. I do not love you. I do not love you. But the one question, the one that matters, the one that drives at me and bites me and burns me and plagues me, the most important question...why is it like this?

I don't know.

I love nothing anymore. I will never fall in love again.

And it makes me sad, to know that things must always be this way. To know that my life will forever be gray. Colorless. To know that I only exist in the negative space.

Without love, nothing else remains.

I do not love you.

Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.