where the heart is

let me tell you about a place called home.

home is the only place in the world where you can be without having to be anything at all. home is the place where you are loved and can have your love accepted in return. home is the place where you belong. home is a safe place. home is where you go when you have nowhere else to go. home is where you are wanted. home is where you feel whole. home is beautiful and lovely and completely imaginary. home is where the heart is. where the heart belongs. there is no place like home. there is no place like home. because home does not exist. home is a fantasy.

i sometimes think i have finally found a home, somewhere i belong, somewhere that won't cause me pain. i am so happy when i am there. i start to grow roots again. i start to believe in hope again. but then i am dug up, and uprooted, and thrown away, and it is always the same every single time. i am in so much pain i can't even begin to describe it. i can't even fathom it myself. even my broken hand can't distract me from it. to have to hear, over and over and over again, "i do not want you here. why won't you leave?" from the mouths of the place i once thought of as home, from the place where i was happy. to know that once again i am rootless, drifting aimlessly with nowhere to go. to know that i truly belong nowhere on this earth. i do not want you here. we do not want you here. a lost sheep, a kicked dog. i am more animal than man. the pain is more than i can bear. to be left with nothing yet again. to have my things packed for me yet again and told to leave the one place i finally thought i had found to belong. it is true. i don't belong here. i am always searching, searching for someplace to fill up the aching pit that eats away at my ever-shrinking heart, somewhere i belong, but always my searches are fruitless or the fruit they yield is poisoned. i do not know where my heart is. it is at home and home is lost to me forever. they do not want me here. and it is becoming again that i do not want to be here. i do not belong here. i do not belong anywhere. there so no such thing as a home for me to return to when everything goes wrong. i have no home. i do not belong. i do not fit anywhere on this planet. always searching and reaping nothing but pain again and again. i do not want you here. i do not want you. i do not want you.

stray dog, starving mongrel. feeding out of garbage cans to gain some kind of sustenance to last the day. eating whatever pill comes across my path to last the day. anything, anything at all as long as the pain will go away for enough time that i can fantasize being at home. that i can pretend i belong. that i can believe in the illusion of happiness. none of it is real. it will never be real to me. you do not want me. i do not want me. i belong nowhere and there is nothing i can do. broken hand, broken heart, broken dream. dream of being alive. i do not dream anymore. i do not see signs. i have nothing to make me believe that there is any reason to hope. home was all i wanted but now i understand it will never exist for me. you do not want me here. you do not want me. i do not belong. i am so tired of searching.